Solutions

Broken up, but neither broken nor broke

/ Korbi Kay / Leave a comment

I’m still processing how “forever” can mean such different things to different people.

Especially when one of them was a Catholic monk for 20 years.

As crushed as I feel for not taking my own advice and stupidly sprinting into a relationship, at least free EMDR therapy, ClassPass membership, UberEats delivery, and a Hawaii trip lessen the pain of my most recent breakup.

We dove in, too much too soon, and Daniel definitely led the way. Directionless, I followed.

He insisted I look at engagement rings (I made an entire Pinterest board), we researched places to move (La Jolla, which we explored together, was our favorite), and contemplated our future children’s names (Dell/Della; credit to Daniel). We even shopped at the Container Store together.

The Container Store.

He went from basically promising the whole happily-ever-after to not even wanting to do couples therapy.

I hate that I’m repeating the same mistake of rushing into love. Like my therapist explained, it takes time to determine whether someone’s actions match their words. No one can promise you that they won’t break your heart.

At least I warned him. After all, I’m the don’t-pick-me girl.

Because of my previous dating experiences, I attempted to pump the brakes early on, but didn’t. I still swear by my “Why it’s a red flag when he wants to get too close too soon” post, and actually sat Daniel down one morning, about two weeks into us dating, and read it to him.

“We are moving fast, and most people would think we’re insane. If you’re not as serious as you say you are, please just let me know now. I can’t afford to get my heart broken again.”

Daniel agreed, and insisted that he was all in.

I’d already called Mother Teresa unfortunate words on our first date, not understanding the depth of Daniel’s religious past (I just think shaming others automatically disqualifies your sainthood). I never pretended to be someone I wasn’t.

If he was going to run, I’d given him ample reasons early on to do so.

He knew me, and liked me for all of the reasons that Ryan didn’t…Daniel loved that I’m different. He encouraged me to speak my mind. Part of his job actually entails consulting companies about artificial harmony, which rang exceptionally true to me. Our honeymoon phase was nothing short of glorious, and even when we started to get into small fights (as couples do), we kept it classy.

And don’t get me started on the mind-blowing sex…

I believed him when he said he wanted a wife. I think he believed it, too.

At least when he decided a relationship (or at least, our relationship) was no longer a priority, he could afford our breakup.

You break it, you buy it.

Fantasies (!)

/ Korbi Kay / Leave a comment

Some women fantasize about their wedding day.

Not me.

I fantasize about couples therapy.

Yep, I’m so high-maintenance that I don’t just want one special day all to myself…instead, I want ALL of our days to be special, and dedicated to us, for the rest of eternity.

That’s how insane and impractical I am.

Why You Shouldn’t Date When You’re Lonely

/ Korbi Kay / Leave a comment

One of the times I seek love the most is when I’m lonely. This is also one of the worst times to attempt to find, and to form, a connection.

It’s like grocery shopping when you’re already hungry. Item list be damned: that frozen pizza, ice cream, cheez-puffs and other lusts are going in your cart, regardless of practicality.

You know better—these were not premeditated purchases, you know they’re no good for you—yet that craving is just too strong.

We all make bad decisions when we’re hungry…and even worse decisions when we’re thirsty.

My advice? Sleep with your water bottle.

The #1 Way To Tell If He’s Sorry

/ Korbi Kay / 2 Comments

Or if he’s just telling you what he thinks you want to hear…

If he’s really sorry, he’ll send delivery food.

Not all men are linguistically savvy (see previous post), but those who possess verbal caress may not necessarily be of higher caliber than those who don’t. Provide the opportunity for them to prove themselves.

In fact, a distinct characteristic of a fboy (/fgirl; I only speak from my own heterosexual experience, so I apologize for my limited perspective…thus far) is that their comments and behaviors emanate entirely from attempting to persuade a target to sleep with them–without disclosing the intent for a casual fling.

This (fboys vs. players vs. nice guys vs. “covert contracts”), warrants a separate blog post.

Actions speak louder than words. It’s easy for him to simply say, “I’m sorry”…but it’s a little harder for him to put his money where his mouth is.

If he’s genuinely remorseful and not just lazily trying to creep back in your pants, he’ll go the extra mile–or at least pay UberEats to do so. Feasts delivered to your doorstep are the new flowers, but significantly more practical.

It’s that simple. For both you and for him. He clears his conscience–and yes, by accepting his delivery apology, you can now NEVER mention this incident ever again. It’s a small price to pay for getting fed from the comfort of your home, in your sweatpants (not the aforementioned gray ones), without even having to blend your eyeshadow.

If he doesn’t send delivery, then he’s not truly sorry.

So if your Santa Fe chicken sandwich and carrot cake from Veggie Grill don’t magically appear at your doorstep–assuming you’ve clearly expressed your needs–you know the true depths of his apology. Proceed accordingly.

Why would you want to be on the receiving end of someone who can’t deliver?

**Epilogue: GSM and I did finally end up going on a date. I didn’t completely write him off since he did Venmo me for delivery (not as impressive as accurately ordering specified items and having them delivered to my place, but I still consider this an effort to fix his mistake).

Although the chemistry was definitely lacking–maybe he should have worn those gray sweatpants–overall, we had a pleasant time. (Both our post-date texts expressed mutually cordial, “Thanks for the fun night, you’re great blah blah.” Thankfully, neither of us has reached out since). Beyond anything, I respect his ability to take accountability. If nothing else, his actions at least salvaged his reputation.**