Some women fantasize about their wedding day.
Not me.
I fantasize about couples therapy.
Yep, I’m so high-maintenance that I don’t just want one special day all to myself…instead, I want ALL of our days to be special, and dedicated to us, for the rest of eternity.
That’s how insane and impractical I am.
Everyone approaches dating, and actual in-person dates, differently.
I don’t believe there are hard rules for “right” or “wrong” first dates. This depends entirely on each party’s preference.
Personally, I don’t believe in coffee dates. Coffee is part of my morning routine. Coffee is a beverage, a noun. Coffee is not a verb, not an activity worthy of looking socially acceptable for, nor worth making time for just to remain seated while getting to know another human being (bean? are bad dad jokes still trending?) and consuming a stimulant.
I’ve entertained a handful of coffee dates during my 20’s, and none led to anything promising, nor were particularly enjoyable. They felt like a waste of time.
Before you jump to conclusions and rant about how meals are an expensive commitment to a stranger, realize that there are other inexpensive activities. A hike or museum visit is preferable (and even cheaper than coffee), since even if my date is a dud, I’ve still enjoyed an experience.
Aaaand then I blocked him.
“Ahh yes, the hungry bumbler.”
Let’s just take a moment to appreciate his self-contradictions. He went from calling me “the hungry bumbler” to “looking a bit anorexic.”
So feed me, dingbat.
Insulting a woman’s appearance is the worst approach to address someone who has a different dating style. If you’re that repulsed, move on in silence.
Also: don’t come at my appearance when you’re only 5’9″. I don’t normally take low hanging fruit, but your personality seems ripe with Napoleon complex, so I’ll juice dat m’fuka (not Ebonics, just efficiency. I’m not racist, like some people…).
Grow up. Literally, figuratively, mentally, respectfully.
Successful dating doesn’t always result in a romantic relationship (although that’s ideal). Forming meaningful connections, while learning about yourself and others, can constitute success. Acquiring more knowledge is also a perk.
Below are the top three life hacks I’ve learned from my experiences.
#1. Order fresh wasabi next time you get sushi.
I’m shocked that I didn’t discover this when I visited Japan, nor the number of times I’ve gone out for my favorite food. It wasn’t until a Costa Mesa date last year, when the gentleman called a restaurant in advance “to make sure they have fresh wasabi”, that I took note.
We didn’t make it beyond one date. I was actively appalled by him complaining about “being the smartest person” in his engineering program at Cal State Long Beach. The fact that he resembled a toaster, unbeknownst to me through his Bumble pictures, didn’t help.
But his win of wisdom has served far beyond a single, eventless evening.
Every time I order this, I’m in heaven. I have yet to encounter a sushi restaurant that does not have fresh wasabi, no matter how hole-in-the-wall it may be.
Like many things in life, all you have to do is ask.
#2. Never get body acne again: use Hibiclens in the shower.
I wish I had known this during my adolescent soccer-playing, track-sprinting years! I actually learned this from a chemist, who took me on an unforgettable Jamaica vacation, while I lived in North Carolina.
Hibiclens is an antiseptic soap used in hospitals, and is less than $15 on Amazon.
Ever since I started using this on a shower sponge, I have not broken out in even a speck of a freck. I recommend the pump version–the larger the better–to truly bang out your buck.
Science is a beautiful thing.
#3. Pen caps can be used as chip-clips to prevent products from getting stale.
I’ve grazed many kitchens, and am shocked by how many affluent men fail to have—or use—chip clips on their products.
Yes, this makes a HUGE difference in the longevity of your food!
This negligence was especially painful to encounter two months ago, with an engineer who lived in a Coto de Caza house that was so big, I frequently found myself lost in his hallways. But all of his cereal, chips, and anything that had been opened, was stale to the extent that it was inedible.
You can have all of the money in the world, but who cares if you don’t know how to use it?
I technically learned this from another North Carolina guy, although we were (and still are) friends more than anything.
If you can’t afford chip clips, or just don’t have them around, immediately rescue your reserves by using a pen cap on the top of packages. Be sure to release all air within packaging prior to sealing.
Hopefully you can reap these benefits without the headache and heartache that I’ve already suffered.
One of the times I seek love the most is when I’m lonely. This is also one of the worst times to attempt to find, and to form, a connection.
It’s like grocery shopping when you’re already hungry. Item list be damned: that frozen pizza, ice cream, cheez-puffs and other lusts are going in your cart, regardless of practicality.
You know better—these were not premeditated purchases, you know they’re no good for you—yet that craving is just too strong.
We all make bad decisions when we’re hungry…and even worse decisions when we’re thirsty.
My advice? Sleep with your water bottle.
Or if he’s just telling you what he thinks you want to hear…
If he’s really sorry, he’ll send delivery food.
Not all men are linguistically savvy (see previous post), but those who possess verbal caress may not necessarily be of higher caliber than those who don’t. Provide the opportunity for them to prove themselves.
In fact, a distinct characteristic of a fboy (/fgirl; I only speak from my own heterosexual experience, so I apologize for my limited perspective…thus far) is that their comments and behaviors emanate entirely from attempting to persuade a target to sleep with them–without disclosing the intent for a casual fling.
This (fboys vs. players vs. nice guys vs. “covert contracts”), warrants a separate blog post.
Actions speak louder than words. It’s easy for him to simply say, “I’m sorry”…but it’s a little harder for him to put his money where his mouth is.
If he’s genuinely remorseful and not just lazily trying to creep back in your pants, he’ll go the extra mile–or at least pay UberEats to do so. Feasts delivered to your doorstep are the new flowers, but significantly more practical.
It’s that simple. For both you and for him. He clears his conscience–and yes, by accepting his delivery apology, you can now NEVER mention this incident ever again. It’s a small price to pay for getting fed from the comfort of your home, in your sweatpants (not the aforementioned gray ones), without even having to blend your eyeshadow.
If he doesn’t send delivery, then he’s not truly sorry.
So if your Santa Fe chicken sandwich and carrot cake from Veggie Grill don’t magically appear at your doorstep–assuming you’ve clearly expressed your needs–you know the true depths of his apology. Proceed accordingly.
Why would you want to be on the receiving end of someone who can’t deliver?
**Epilogue: GSM and I did finally end up going on a date. I didn’t completely write him off since he did Venmo me for delivery (not as impressive as accurately ordering specified items and having them delivered to my place, but I still consider this an effort to fix his mistake).
Although the chemistry was definitely lacking–maybe he should have worn those gray sweatpants–overall, we had a pleasant time. (Both our post-date texts expressed mutually cordial, “Thanks for the fun night, you’re great blah blah.” Thankfully, neither of us has reached out since). Beyond anything, I respect his ability to take accountability. If nothing else, his actions at least salvaged his reputation.**
Brazenly Bad 