Why it’s a red flag when he wants to get too close too soon

Featured / Korbi Kay / 1 Comment

As I type this, I find myself in a dark place.

Mostly because my lights are off. Despite an abrupt ending to an intensely short romance that fizzled last night, I’m happily snuggled between blankets, listening to the roaring rain outside.

A decade ago, this would have deeply wounded me. Now, I feel only the slightest singe of sadness.

Lately, I’ve been dealing with the exact opposite of my previous LA laments: instead of Peter Pan syndrome and fear of commitment, these dudes are too eager to jump into something serious (without being serious about the work that accompanies a real relationship).

On paper, this initially seems like a dream come true.

Not looking for a hookup, whoa! I’ve seen significantly more profiles like this since moving to Orange County.

Unfortunately, like communism, this works better in theory than in actuality.

I base this conclusion not just on my most recent experience, but on two similar situations in December and January.

When I find myself cancelling previously scheduled dates to focus on, and spend more time with someone–we’ll call him David–who I’ve just met, I should have slapped myself because I’ve made this exact mistake before.

I wanted to believe that David was different because in addition to matching on Bumble, we know a mutual friend I’ve adored since middle school. But sharing the same social circle means little to nothing…being law school friends is very different than dating each other.

Red flag #1: He immediately wants to spend excessive time with you.

As someone who is into “the nice guy” and also into ignoring social norms–clearly for both the better and the worse–I want to believe that this person is actually into me. I want to believe that David, and the aforementioned men, recognize a good thing and want to lock it down before someone else does.

I don’t want to consider that maybe they have attachment issues, and maybe they always want to be in a relationship, regardless of who it’s with.

If it’s a red flag that I’ve been single for almost a year now, it’s just as much of a red flag–if not more so–that David’s previous relationship was two weeks ago.

Constant texts and phone calls initially seem sweet, but if you find yourself receiving these early on, keep your guard up.

If he wants to make a second date the day after your first date (not schedule it–which I love–but actually have it occur by going to his place like you two are already dating), think twice.

I know I should know better. I just want to believe that everyone is an outlier.

Red flag #2: He bombards you with gifts.

…especially when he complains how his previous relationships didn’t appreciate his generosity enough.

This is typical covert contract nice guy behavior. He sends you things not because he’s truly a nice guy who actually adores you, but because he wants to publicly be seen a certain way, and have leverage over you in the future (“I sent you an Uber to get from my house back to yours! You don’t even care!”).

When I was sick and David voluntarily sent me delivery, I was a smitten kitten.

Fuck diamonds, I want sandwiches.

And shoes. I love shoes.

I didn’t stop to consider the fact that he was sending food and offering to buy me shoes before we had even met.

Red flag #3: He’s just as quick to leave a situation–usually even quicker–than he is to enter it.

When I invest hours of my time talking to someone and getting to know him, I’m willing to do whatever it takes to figure things out when they go awry.

When, not if.

I mean, how are you going to handle our future teenage daughter when you can’t even handle me?!

According to John Gottman, a psychologist known to predict divorce between couples with 93.6% accuracy, a successful couple stays together not based on the number of times they fight, but on the way that they fight.

If you can engage in conflict and disagreement without name-calling or hostility but instead with humor and a willingness to problem-solve, you’re on the right track.

In fact, not fighting is a huge red flag. If you’re honest with yourself and with your significant other/potential partner, you’re going to disagree.

When I confronted David with concerns, he didn’t even try to assuage them. I was upset that he seemed to insult me more than compliment me–no girl wants to constantly be told that she “has Amber Heard vibes” and that she’s “frustrating”.

When I asked him, while packing up my stuff to leave his place, what he even liked about me, he responded that I was “beautiful” before he went stupidly silent.

Yeah, no.

The fact that he wouldn’t bother to read even a single blog post of mine, when I told him how much it meant to me because I’m professionally pursuing writing, spoke volumes.

David wanted someone–maybe at one point, wanted me–to squeeze into his relationship box so he could check it off, but he didn’t actually want to know nor understand me.

Just like the other guys, I doubt he ever reads this post.

(Although I’ve been wrong…it’s happened once before).

Now trending: anti-social media (DMs & STFUs)

Featured / Korbi Kay / Leave a comment

Isn’t the whole point of using dating apps to expedite the meeting-in-person process? Discovering chemistry and compatibility between two people is hard enough; why make scheduling your initial get-together just as grueling?

I’m still struggling to understand why, when given my phone number, an alarmingly high percentage of matches prefer to slide into my DMs via Instagram rather than text or call me. Although more LA men would rather attempt to jerk off to my online photos than actually enjoy my presence in real life, a significant amount of Orange County app users seem just as addicted to the ‘gram.

If you’re lucky enough to have my personal cellphone number, that’s your golden ticket to directly connect and to make plans. These in-the-flesh encounters are frequently referred to as dates, which should be your ultimate goal when using dating apps. They’re definitely mine: I provide my phone number within a few messages, so we can coordinate schedules and proceed from there.

I prefer limiting text correspondence prior to meeting, since this feels like a waste of time. Everyone is different, so I’m not arguing that my approach is “right”.

In fact, my male friend had a negative experience with a girl who felt he did not text her enough prior to their actual date, so she ended up cancelling.

I still think he dodged a bullet…not because she had certain correspondence expectations, but because she did not articulate these needs. Communication is crucial, especially in communicating how you communicate.

That said, a short phone call prior to meeting is not only acceptable but also a savvy maneuver, since this gives you a better idea of conversational compatibility than a text marathon.

As much as I despise FaceTime, I’m not opposed to a quick session, just to verify that I do look like my photos.

Should you ignore this opportunity and attempt a lesser means of connection, you risk not only losing this person’s interest (ahem, mine)–how many successful souls regularly check their social media messages?–but also losing your tact. “Connecting” on social platforms is not the most intimate nor effective way to interact.

Viewing an Instagram profile is one of the worst ways to learn who someone truly is…and an especially inaccurate method of verifying identity.

Yet here we are.

And sure enough, Hinge-cringe Matthew was not trying to confirm my authenticity. Instead, he proceeded to DM me slightly crude (almost kinda flatteringish?) messages in response to specific photos….

*in unsolicited response to edited Instagram images. I don’t use dating apps to gain social media followers, nor to validate my self-worth.

That’s what sending selfies to ex-boyfriends is for.

Because of his approach, Matthew and I are not closer to connecting. If anything, I feel more disconnected, and have lost pretty much all interest.

We are not enjoying a meal, a hike, the beach, nor a museum together….and meanwhile, he views my online photos in an almost voyeuristic way, from the comfort of his hammock (just speculating, but I imagine this as his happy place for scrolling while LOLing). In return, I gain nothing.

Once upon a time, men slayed dragons…but hey, way to woo me behind the comfort of your digital screen.

For the record: Matthew never attempted to make plans for a first date, despite his fascination with my online presence.

Perhaps even worse: having someone’s phone number and being too afraid to call.

Me: “Have time for a quick phone convo to determine the extent that we hate each other? /conversational compatibility”

Him: “Honestly I’m not a phone conversation person off the start. I can be shy at first until I get to know someone.”

How do you get to know someone without talking, be it over the phone or more importantly, face-to-face?

If you can’t have a phone conversation with the possible love of your life, what chance do you have at a successful relationship–or even a successful career?

If only this social media fixation was limited to these two interactions. Alack, years of extensive research in LA–and now OC–prove that this is an obnoxious yet ubiquitous part of dating culture. Seems like all we can do is set our Instagrams to “private” and just keep swiping…

#UnfollowDGAF

Top Three Life Hacks Learned Through Dating

Featured / Korbi Kay / Leave a comment

Successful dating doesn’t always result in a romantic relationship (although that’s ideal). Forming meaningful connections, while learning about yourself and others, can constitute success. Acquiring more knowledge is also a perk.

Below are the top three life hacks I’ve learned from my experiences.

#1. Order fresh wasabi next time you get sushi.

I’m shocked that I didn’t discover this when I visited Japan, nor the number of times I’ve gone out for my favorite food. It wasn’t until a Costa Mesa date last year, when the gentleman called a restaurant in advance “to make sure they have fresh wasabi”, that I took note.

We didn’t make it beyond one date. I was actively appalled by him complaining about “being the smartest person” in his engineering program at Cal State Long Beach. The fact that he resembled a toaster, unbeknownst to me through his Bumble pictures, didn’t help.

But his win of wisdom has served far beyond a single, eventless evening.

Every time I order this, I’m in heaven. I have yet to encounter a sushi restaurant that does not have fresh wasabi, no matter how hole-in-the-wall it may be.

Like many things in life, all you have to do is ask.

#2. Never get body acne again: use Hibiclens in the shower.

I wish I had known this during my adolescent soccer-playing, track-sprinting years! I actually learned this from a chemist, who took me on an unforgettable Jamaica vacation, while I lived in North Carolina.

Hibiclens is an antiseptic soap used in hospitals, and is less than $15 on Amazon.

Ever since I started using this on a shower sponge, I have not broken out in even a speck of a freck. I recommend the pump version–the larger the better–to truly bang out your buck.

Science is a beautiful thing.

#3. Pen caps can be used as chip-clips to prevent products from getting stale.

I’ve grazed many kitchens, and am shocked by how many affluent men fail to have—or use—chip clips on their products.

Yes, this makes a HUGE difference in the longevity of your food!

This negligence was especially painful to encounter two months ago, with an engineer who lived in a Coto de Caza house that was so big, I frequently found myself lost in his hallways. But all of his cereal, chips, and anything that had been opened, was stale to the extent that it was inedible.

You can have all of the money in the world, but who cares if you don’t know how to use it?

I technically learned this from another North Carolina guy, although we were (and still are) friends more than anything.

If you can’t afford chip clips, or just don’t have them around, immediately rescue your reserves by using a pen cap on the top of packages. Be sure to release all air within packaging prior to sealing.

Hopefully you can reap these benefits without the headache and heartache that I’ve already suffered.

Why You Shouldn’t Date When You’re Lonely

Featured / Korbi Kay / Leave a comment

One of the times I seek love the most is when I’m lonely. This is also one of the worst times to attempt to find, and to form, a connection.

It’s like grocery shopping when you’re already hungry. Item list be damned: that frozen pizza, ice cream, cheez-puffs and other lusts are going in your cart, regardless of practicality.

You know better—these were not premeditated purchases, you know they’re no good for you—yet that craving is just too strong.

We all make bad decisions when we’re hungry…and even worse decisions when we’re thirsty.

My advice? Sleep with your water bottle.

The #1 Way To Tell If He’s Sorry

Featured / Korbi Kay / 2 Comments

Or if he’s just telling you what he thinks you want to hear…

If he’s really sorry, he’ll send delivery food.

Not all men are linguistically savvy (see previous post), but those who possess verbal caress may not necessarily be of higher caliber than those who don’t. Provide the opportunity for them to prove themselves.

In fact, a distinct characteristic of a fboy (/fgirl; I only speak from my own heterosexual experience, so I apologize for my limited perspective…thus far) is that their comments and behaviors emanate entirely from attempting to persuade a target to sleep with them–without disclosing the intent for a casual fling.

This (fboys vs. players vs. nice guys vs. “covert contracts”), warrants a separate blog post.

Actions speak louder than words. It’s easy for him to simply say, “I’m sorry”…but it’s a little harder for him to put his money where his mouth is.

If he’s genuinely remorseful and not just lazily trying to creep back in your pants, he’ll go the extra mile–or at least pay UberEats to do so. Feasts delivered to your doorstep are the new flowers, but significantly more practical.

It’s that simple. For both you and for him. He clears his conscience–and yes, by accepting his delivery apology, you can now NEVER mention this incident ever again. It’s a small price to pay for getting fed from the comfort of your home, in your sweatpants (not the aforementioned gray ones), without even having to blend your eyeshadow.

If he doesn’t send delivery, then he’s not truly sorry.

So if your Santa Fe chicken sandwich and carrot cake from Veggie Grill don’t magically appear at your doorstep–assuming you’ve clearly expressed your needs–you know the true depths of his apology. Proceed accordingly.

Why would you want to be on the receiving end of someone who can’t deliver?

**Epilogue: GSM and I did finally end up going on a date. I didn’t completely write him off since he did Venmo me for delivery (not as impressive as accurately ordering specified items and having them delivered to my place, but I still consider this an effort to fix his mistake).

Although the chemistry was definitely lacking–maybe he should have worn those gray sweatpants–overall, we had a pleasant time. (Both our post-date texts expressed mutually cordial, “Thanks for the fun night, you’re great blah blah.” Thankfully, neither of us has reached out since). Beyond anything, I respect his ability to take accountability. If nothing else, his actions at least salvaged his reputation.**

Send This Text Two Hours Before Your Date to Get Her to Cancel

Featured / Korbi Kay / 1 Comment

Far too often, texts I receive from men are so cringe-worthy that I have to wonder, “Are you trying to be repulsively inappropriate, or does it just come naturally?”

I’m not easily offended, and have been told I have a dark sense of humor; I appreciate British cheekiness, as well as Joss Whedon prior to the allegations of him sucking as a human being.

We’ve all sent dumb texts that we later regret, especially myself.

But not to this extent of stupidity. And not two hours–yes, TWO hours, folks–prior to even meeting in person on our first date.

Horrific texts are especially noteworthy within the Orange County dating scene, which I’m relatively new to but still seasoned enough to recognize a difference from other demographics. Men here seem to be better mannered, more respectful of my time, and more excited about sharing delightful dinners.

This is not Los Angeles, where I somehow survived relatively unscathed after accidentally serial-dating for about a decade…and attempting to heal with just as much therapy/self-help/Reiki/getting my yoga certification/volunteering for the Suicide Hotline/I could go on.

I really didn’t mean to date for that duration. That’s the most-insane part: During those dark years, I actually wanted to find love.

So moving to the O.C. about 4-5 months ago, and serendipitously stumbling upon a crapton of potential suitors who seemed to want “something real” gave me hope. I even found myself in a relationship within my first month here. Sure, that ended after about six weeks, but at least our issues were drastically different than those I encountered in previous relationships. After L.A., finding even the slightest thread of boyfriend-material felt like a miracle. The short amount of time it took to find someone who could engage in conversation without making me want to punch myself in the face (at least not on the first few dates) inspired hope.

I had even more hope when I met a cool, collected Colombian chick during my employment as a Pilates instructor at Lifetime Fitness in Laguna Niguel (where if you don’t drive a Tesla: you’re poor, sad, and forever alone). After an hour of learning her life story and how she met her husband, she gave me the phone number of “a nice guy” who “just hasn’t been lucky in love”. I could definitely relate.

For anyone who avidly believes in meeting people organically, this anecdote is for you.

This was not a random meet-up from Tinder, Bumble, Hinge, nor any online app. This was finally an in-person, responsible referral, insider-trading type set-up: “Oh, I know him and he’s great!“

Wholesome. Pure. Organic.

Interestingly, the results were just as horrendous.

“I will wear gray sweatpants. Look for guy with 2”

Where do I start?

Again, I can’t over-emphasize the fact that this was not about being offensive so much as it was about not being funny. Why pick a 2″ boner–which is too unbelievable to be comical–instead of 4″ or 5″? Why underestimate yourself, but more importantly, why underestimate me?

Fortunately, I’ve developed a fool-proof dating technique–an easy test–to give faux pas-guilty felons like this a second chance.

GraySweatpantsMan (GSM) deserves the opportunity to fix his mistake. That’s what’s most important: not that GSM committed a hilarious social crime, but the way that he handles–ideally, addresses and fixes–his reputation rupture.

How effectively is he able to take accountability and move forward (if at all)?

Through grueling years of self-conducted case studies, I’ve perfected the most efficient way to determine whether your potential partner/lover/luster/side-piece/whatever is truly sorry.

My method is simple, free, requires little to no energy….and may result in dinner delivered to your doorstep.

Stay tuned.