Solutions

Funeral cake

/ Korbi Kay / Leave a comment

Turns out, getting knocked up by a rich guy in Orange County is WAY more challenging than I’d anticipated. Not in sense that actual effort is required, but simply because the outcome is out of my control.

Just finding someone who makes it to a second date–even to a first date–is harder than dieting in a candy store. Hell, it’s harder than side-planking, especially while dieting, on a moving Pilates reformer in a candy store. And what’s the point of either of those, if never to find true love? If years of beauty investments, borderline orthorexia, and fitness fanaticism never helped me find my special someone, then what was the point in trying so hard to attract a mate?

Should’ve donut’d it up, and immersed myself in a D&D community instead.

Yet here I am. My biggest challenge is finding quality single men who are interested in an actual relationship. If I were simply a gold-digger, this would be much easier: it’s not hard to find clout clowns with cash. But I want real love (with someone who is financially-established).

In addition to kindness, vulnerability and authenticity rank high on my criteria list. These traits are now rarer than ever, thanks to AI and the use of ChatGPT. People are so concerned with how they’re perceived that they’d rather constantly censor themselves than have a genuine heart-to-heart conversation. There’s a continual need to impress rather than to express, which I find thoroughly unimpressive.

This rings exceptionally true with dating apps.

If I see one more dating profile that lists “clean sheets and the smell of coffee” in response to the “Simple Pleasures” prompt, or refers to how Rose could have saved Jack on the Titantic, I’m–

I don’t even know what I’m going to do yet, but it will be very dark and dramatic. Definitely drastic.

I feel like I’m playing a game in which no one truly wins. It’s a struggle to find men who actually want to go out on an actual, in-person date. Many seem determined to just message back-and-forth for the entirety of eternity, while my maternal clock ticks away.

I always thought that having children would be a choice I’d figure out with my significant other…because I assumed that by the time I was 30, or even 35, I’d have met my special someone. I never imagined that I would still be single at my age.

Thankfully, my life is still shockingly alright. Awesome, even. I’m relatively happy. I have no problem prioritizing career over family at this point, which seems to be my only option. I just turned 36, and am probably infertile. Blehh.

At least love and puppies are still attainable.

My current plan is to pivot away from the dating apps, since they have a low barrier to entry. Any JoeSchmo can sign up.

I’m now utilizing different ways to meet people…ways that have a higher barrier point of entry, and simultaneously help me socialize with a positive community while engaging in activities that increase my overall well-being.

So I’ve started attending early morning bootcamp style fitness classes–more “traditional” strength training, not just Pilates–and partner dance classes. Coffee shops and the beach are my new go-to’s for writing and reading. Running clubs are not off the table, although my cardio ability is currently questionable.

I wish more single OC men attended puppy yoga classes, but alack.

I’m still brainstorming other “high barrier to entry” activities. Even time seems to be relevant…as much as I hate waking up at the ass-crack-of-dawn, sleep deprivation seems like another barrier I have yet not explored. So if it takes suffering 5AM gym torture sessions to meet melt-worthy men: put me in, Coach.

I would love to find love, but at this point, I’ll settle for doing the things that I love…and hopefully one day, I’ll be doing The One that I love.

No ifs, ands, or…

/ Korbi Kay / Leave a comment

It’s been a long time since I’ve had a positive feeling about a future first date…and significantly longer since I’ve have a good first date actually transition to a successful second one.

(Let’s not dig into who makes it beyond the 5th date…)

Beyond this, even meeting someone who seems like a quality human being–an interesting, seemingly-compassionate kind soul–is rare.

While I’m not holding my breath, I’m also not actively clenching my butthole.

Broken up, but neither broken nor broke

/ Korbi Kay / Leave a comment

I’m still processing how “forever” can mean such different things to different people.

Especially when one of them was a Catholic monk for 20 years.

As crushed as I feel for not taking my own advice and stupidly sprinting into a relationship, at least free EMDR therapy, ClassPass membership, UberEats delivery, and a Hawaii trip lessen the pain of my most recent breakup.

We dove in, too much too soon, and Daniel definitely led the way. Directionless, I followed.

He insisted I look at engagement rings (I made an entire Pinterest board), we researched places to move (La Jolla, which we explored together, was our favorite), and contemplated our future children’s names (Dell/Della; credit to Daniel). We even shopped at the Container Store together.

The Container Store.

He went from basically promising the whole happily-ever-after to not even wanting to do couples therapy.

I hate that I’m repeating the same mistake of rushing into love. Like my therapist explained, it takes time to determine whether someone’s actions match their words. No one can promise you that they won’t break your heart.

At least I warned him. After all, I’m the don’t-pick-me girl.

Because of my previous dating experiences, I attempted to pump the brakes early on, but didn’t. I still swear by my “Why it’s a red flag when he wants to get too close too soon” post, and actually sat Daniel down one morning, about two weeks into us dating, and read it to him.

“We are moving fast, and most people would think we’re insane. If you’re not as serious as you say you are, please just let me know now. I can’t afford to get my heart broken again.”

Daniel agreed, and insisted that he was all in.

I’d already called Mother Teresa unfortunate words on our first date, not understanding the depth of Daniel’s religious past (I just think shaming others automatically disqualifies your sainthood). I never pretended to be someone I wasn’t.

If he was going to run, I’d given him ample reasons early on to do so.

He knew me, and liked me for all of the reasons that Ryan didn’t…Daniel loved that I’m different. He encouraged me to speak my mind. Part of his job actually entails consulting companies about artificial harmony, which rang exceptionally true to me. Our honeymoon phase was nothing short of glorious, and even when we started to get into small fights (as couples do), we kept it classy.

And don’t get me started on the mind-blowing sex…

I believed him when he said he wanted a wife. I think he believed it, too.

At least when he decided a relationship (or at least, our relationship) was no longer a priority, he could afford our breakup.

You break it, you buy it.

Top Three Life Hacks Learned Through Dating

/ Korbi Kay / Leave a comment

Successful dating doesn’t always result in a romantic relationship (although that’s ideal). Forming meaningful connections, while learning about yourself and others, can constitute success. Acquiring more knowledge is also a perk.

Below are the top three life hacks I’ve learned from my experiences.

#1. Order fresh wasabi next time you get sushi.

I’m shocked that I didn’t discover this when I visited Japan, nor the number of times I’ve gone out for my favorite food. It wasn’t until a Costa Mesa date last year, when the gentleman called a restaurant in advance “to make sure they have fresh wasabi”, that I took note.

We didn’t make it beyond one date. I was actively appalled by him complaining about “being the smartest person” in his engineering program at Cal State Long Beach. The fact that he resembled a toaster, unbeknownst to me through his Bumble pictures, didn’t help.

But his win of wisdom has served far beyond a single, eventless evening.

Every time I order this, I’m in heaven. I have yet to encounter a sushi restaurant that does not have fresh wasabi, no matter how hole-in-the-wall it may be.

Like many things in life, all you have to do is ask.

#2. Never get body acne again: use Hibiclens in the shower.

I wish I had known this during my adolescent soccer-playing, track-sprinting years! I actually learned this from a chemist, who took me on an unforgettable Jamaica vacation, while I lived in North Carolina.

Hibiclens is an antiseptic soap used in hospitals, and is less than $15 on Amazon.

Ever since I started using this on a shower sponge, I have not broken out in even a speck of a freck. I recommend the pump version–the larger the better–to truly bang out your buck.

Science is a beautiful thing.

#3. Pen caps can be used as chip-clips to prevent products from getting stale.

I’ve grazed many kitchens, and am shocked by how many affluent men fail to have—or use—chip clips on their products.

Yes, this makes a HUGE difference in the longevity of your food!

This negligence was especially painful to encounter two months ago, with an engineer who lived in a Coto de Caza house that was so big, I frequently found myself lost in his hallways. But all of his cereal, chips, and anything that had been opened, was stale to the extent that it was inedible.

You can have all of the money in the world, but who cares if you don’t know how to use it?

I technically learned this from another North Carolina guy, although we were (and still are) friends more than anything.

If you can’t afford chip clips, or just don’t have them around, immediately rescue your reserves by using a pen cap on the top of packages. Be sure to release all air within packaging prior to sealing.

Hopefully you can reap these benefits without the headache and heartache that I’ve already suffered.

Why You Shouldn’t Date When You’re Lonely

/ Korbi Kay / Leave a comment

One of the times I seek love the most is when I’m lonely. This is also one of the worst times to attempt to find, and to form, a connection.

It’s like grocery shopping when you’re already hungry. Item list be damned: that frozen pizza, ice cream, cheez-puffs and other lusts are going in your cart, regardless of practicality.

You know better—these were not premeditated purchases, you know they’re no good for you—yet that craving is just too strong.

We all make bad decisions when we’re hungry…and even worse decisions when we’re thirsty.

My advice? Sleep with your water bottle.

The #1 Way To Tell If He’s Sorry

/ Korbi Kay / 2 Comments

Or if he’s just telling you what he thinks you want to hear…

If he’s really sorry, he’ll send delivery food.

Not all men are linguistically savvy (see previous post), but those who possess verbal caress may not necessarily be of higher caliber than those who don’t. Provide the opportunity for them to prove themselves.

In fact, a distinct characteristic of a fboy (/fgirl; I only speak from my own heterosexual experience, so I apologize for my limited perspective…thus far) is that their comments and behaviors emanate entirely from attempting to persuade a target to sleep with them–without disclosing the intent for a casual fling.

This (fboys vs. players vs. nice guys vs. “covert contracts”), warrants a separate blog post.

Actions speak louder than words. It’s easy for him to simply say, “I’m sorry”…but it’s a little harder for him to put his money where his mouth is.

If he’s genuinely remorseful and not just lazily trying to creep back in your pants, he’ll go the extra mile–or at least pay UberEats to do so. Feasts delivered to your doorstep are the new flowers, but significantly more practical.

It’s that simple. For both you and for him. He clears his conscience–and yes, by accepting his delivery apology, you can now NEVER mention this incident ever again. It’s a small price to pay for getting fed from the comfort of your home, in your sweatpants (not the aforementioned gray ones), without even having to blend your eyeshadow.

If he doesn’t send delivery, then he’s not truly sorry.

So if your Santa Fe chicken sandwich and carrot cake from Veggie Grill don’t magically appear at your doorstep–assuming you’ve clearly expressed your needs–you know the true depths of his apology. Proceed accordingly.

Why would you want to be on the receiving end of someone who can’t deliver?

**Epilogue: GSM and I did finally end up going on a date. I didn’t completely write him off since he did Venmo me for delivery (not as impressive as accurately ordering specified items and having them delivered to my place, but I still consider this an effort to fix his mistake).

Although the chemistry was definitely lacking–maybe he should have worn those gray sweatpants–overall, we had a pleasant time. (Both our post-date texts expressed mutually cordial, “Thanks for the fun night, you’re great blah blah.” Thankfully, neither of us has reached out since). Beyond anything, I respect his ability to take accountability. If nothing else, his actions at least salvaged his reputation.**