You know that lightness, that fresh feeling of relief after you take a massive dump?

That’s exactly how I felt after staying up all night to handwrite my now-ex-boyfriend a 5-page closure letter, detailing the events that led to our breakup. I’m thorough like that.

It’s also how I felt after finally being able to poop three days into our first trip together, when we shared one bathroom with six people for his sister’s wedding in Indiana.

I’m still trying to wrap my head around how a 7-day trip that was supposed to make us ended up breaking up–or were we broken from the start?

This is also the same guy who I had been on 10+ dates with over a year ago, and when I finally said, “hey, commit to it or you don’t get to hit it” (which I’ve actually never had to do before), we decided to just stay friends.

Two months ago, he had some hallelujah! moment on his plane ride home from Europe, where he vacationed with his family for a month (and attended/performed at his friend’s wedding), and realized that he wanted me to be his girlfriend…

Enough to be his sister’s wedding date, anyway.

I don’t know why else he would fly me out knowing I couldn’t afford to miss work, be incredibly sweet to me through the wedding, then suddenly afterwards, pick fights that I had NO way to acquiesce…to the extent that I ended up sleeping on the couch downstairs our last night together, and asked him to drive me to the airport early the next day. He didn’t even argue.

When I asked him where his mom was, who I’d spent over five days getting to know and wanted to thank before I left, he said she was out on a walk. I quickly scribbled a thank-you note that I left on the kitchen table before leaving in tears.

Even on our way to the airport, he continued to yell at me, “You didn’t say goodbye to my sister! You didn’t hug her!”

What was he talking about? I had been nothing but my delightful self to his sister, mom, and entire family. I went out of my way to warmly engage with everyone–as a Pilates instructor, this is part of my job–and basically baby-sat one of the children who decided we were BFFs for two afternoons (to be fair, she was adorable).

Yes, I was out of my comfort zone and this was definitely a for-Ryan, about-Ryan event. Looking back, most of our short relationship seemed centered around Ryan’s world.

Yes, it was awkward to be at a wedding so intimate that I was mentioned in the wedding speech as, “For all of the family standing here…and then Korbi.”

But I felt I held my own, even in the face of challenging circumstances. For him not to see that, and to then essentially dump me afterward…no words can describe that pain.

Much like the nonsense in the audio clip below, none of it makes sense…unless he just wanted a plus-one to show off to his friends and family.

Why else would he drop me off at the airport and then not call me for five days? Why else care so little about me after the main event? If I’m your girlfriend, or even just your friend (as we’d previously been), step up and try to make things right—or just don’t pick solutionless fights in the first place. Take ownership, take accountability, take something other than my time: ask how you can make things better, and at least try to fix them.

That’s what I did our last night together, when I was so upset that I didn’t even want to sleep in the same bed as him. Below is one of the recordings from that night, before he drove me to the airport the next day.

Who is unhinged and has victim mentality here? I don’t know the narrative he told his family, but perhaps they should listen to this clip (as well as the other ones).

There’s he-said, she-said, and then there is the truth.

You can actually hear me say, “I have no idea what I’m apologizing for, but I’m sorry if I hurt your feelings” and give him a hug. That’s how badly I wanted us to just be okay: I tried to take ownership even when there was none.

But it’s like something in his brain was determined to stay upset, no matter what I said or did.

I have over 40 minutes of voice recordings from that night (and yes, he knew he was being recorded), because that’s how ridiculous the fight was, and I didn’t know what else to do besides document it. Granted, this was after two days of similar behavior (him lashing out or crying, me not understanding why but trying to console him), even when our “vacation” revolved entirely around him.

The whole thing is mind-blowing, especially considering how well I got along with his family. I adored his mom, his sister; everyone there, really.

Was he mad that everyone thought I was hilarious enough to win Cards Against Humanity?

I wasted a week of my life getting to know people I guess I’ll never see again. I had my heart broken by someone who couldn’t bother to pick up the phone to call me after spending a week with his family, but could ask about casual sex in the same text about me picking up my stuff from his place.

I finally blocked him.

Yet I’m still here, still surprisingly okay despite everything. I still know my worth, and that I’m worth being someone’s priority instead of their tag-along.

I almost wish I had been at fault, just so I could have a way to fix it, or to at least have learned some kind of lesson.

Maybe the lesson is that there isn’t always one: maybe it’s not always me.

Maybe my only take-away is that with guys like this, I’ll never come first…in more ways than one.