As I type this, I find myself in a dark place.

Mostly because my lights are off. Despite an abrupt ending to an intensely short romance that fizzled last night, I’m happily snuggled between blankets, listening to the roaring rain outside.

A decade ago, this would have deeply wounded me. Now, I feel only the slightest singe of sadness.

Lately, I’ve been dealing with the exact opposite of my previous LA laments: instead of Peter Pan syndrome and fear of commitment, these dudes are too eager to jump into something serious (without being serious about the work that accompanies a real relationship).

On paper, this initially seems like a dream come true.

Not looking for a hookup, whoa! I’ve seen significantly more profiles like this since moving to Orange County.

Unfortunately, like communism, this works better in theory than in actuality.

I base this conclusion not just on my most recent experience, but on two similar situations in December and January.

When I find myself cancelling previously scheduled dates to focus on, and spend more time with someone–we’ll call him David–who I’ve just met, I should have slapped myself because I’ve made this exact mistake before.

I wanted to believe that David was different because in addition to matching on Bumble, we know a mutual friend I’ve adored since middle school. But sharing the same social circle means little to nothing…being law school friends is very different than dating each other.

Red flag #1: He immediately wants to spend excessive time with you.

As someone who is into “the nice guy” and also into ignoring social norms–clearly for both the better and the worse–I want to believe that this person is actually into me. I want to believe that David, and the aforementioned men, recognize a good thing and want to lock it down before someone else does.

I don’t want to consider that maybe they have attachment issues, and maybe they always want to be in a relationship, regardless of who it’s with.

If it’s a red flag that I’ve been single for almost a year now, it’s just as much of a red flag–if not more so–that David’s previous relationship was two weeks ago.

Constant texts and phone calls initially seem sweet, but if you find yourself receiving these early on, keep your guard up.

If he wants to make a second date the day after your first date (not schedule it–which I love–but actually have it occur by going to his place like you two are already dating), think twice.

I know I should know better. I just want to believe that everyone is an outlier.

Red flag #2: He bombards you with gifts.

…especially when he complains how his previous relationships didn’t appreciate his generosity enough.

This is typical covert contract nice guy behavior. He sends you things not because he’s truly a nice guy who actually adores you, but because he wants to publicly be seen a certain way, and have leverage over you in the future (“I sent you an Uber to get from my house back to yours! You don’t even care!”).

When I was sick and David voluntarily sent me delivery, I was a smitten kitten.

Fuck diamonds, I want sandwiches.

And shoes. I love shoes.

I didn’t stop to consider the fact that he was sending food and offering to buy me shoes before we had even met.

Red flag #3: He’s just as quick to leave a situation–usually even quicker–than he is to enter it.

When I invest hours of my time talking to someone and getting to know him, I’m willing to do whatever it takes to figure things out when they go awry.

When, not if.

I mean, how are you going to handle our future teenage daughter when you can’t even handle me?!

According to John Gottman, a psychologist known to predict divorce between couples with 93.6% accuracy, a successful couple stays together not based on the number of times they fight, but on the way that they fight.

If you can engage in conflict and disagreement without name-calling or hostility but instead with humor and a willingness to problem-solve, you’re on the right track.

In fact, not fighting is a huge red flag. If you’re honest with yourself and with your significant other/potential partner, you’re going to disagree.

When I confronted David with concerns, he didn’t even try to assuage them. I was upset that he seemed to insult me more than compliment me–no girl wants to constantly be told that she “has Amber Heard vibes” and that she’s “frustrating”.

When I asked him, while packing up my stuff to leave his place, what he even liked about me, he responded that I was “beautiful” before he went stupidly silent.

Yeah, no.

The fact that he wouldn’t bother to read even a single blog post of mine, when I told him how much it meant to me because I’m professionally pursuing writing, spoke volumes.

David wanted someone–maybe at one point, wanted me–to squeeze into his relationship box so he could check it off, but he didn’t actually want to know nor understand me.

Just like the other guys, I doubt he ever reads this post.

(Although I’ve been wrong…it’s happened once before).